Allan’s Story Part 1 – Identity Crisis
This is the first of a multi-part blog that chronicles Allan Edward’s journey from discovering his same-sex attraction to how he responded, and what his faith in Christ meant for him all along the way.
“So, how do you identify yourself?” That’s the question I’ve tried to answer to friends, in-laws, and even a reporter from National Public Radio. (To listen to an interview with Allan and his wife, click here: http://www.npr.org/2015/01/04/374857829/a-pastor-moves-past-his-attraction-to-men-and-so-does-his-wife)
The problem with talking about identity is that we seem to want simple phrases. “I’m gay.” “I’m straight.” “I’m a celibate gay Christian.” “I’m ex-gay.” I guess my story begins with this central issue:
As a Christian who began experiencing same-sex attraction in adolescence, I didn’t understand my identity. I still struggle to talk about my identity in relatable terms today. Here’s what is most clear to me: My identity is in Christ. Like Paul says in Galatians 2, I’ve been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.
I grew up in a “becoming Christian” family, by which I mean that my parents came to really believe and understand the gospel when I was between the ages of four and six. From that time on, I was raised in Bible-believing evangelical churches that emphasized the grace of God in saving sinners and bringing them into a personal relationship with him through Jesus.
I came to believe this message at a pretty young age. I was six or seven when the old Randy Travis song, “Have a Little Talk with Jesus,” played on the radio, and I remember telling my mom I needed a relationship with Jesus. My faith matured as I did, and I remember in my early adolescent years praying to “give all of my life” to Jesus at summer camp.
But it was about this time, around 13 years old, that I began to see I was really different from other boys my age. I’d always been picked on for my weight or for not liking the right sports or music, but as I went through junior high a new taunt popped off the lips of school bullies: “gay.” To be honest, I didn’t understand what the word really meant. The kid who sat behind me in chorus said I was gay because I paid attention and sang in chorus class. If I’d remembered the fact that he, too, was in chorus class, maybe I wouldn’t have taken the taunt so seriously.
Having not sat in the back of the bus, I suppose I came late to the world of understanding sexual activities, jokes, and lingo. But it didn’t take long for me to realize that my interest in arts and academics and my lack of typical alpha male characteristics meant I was “gay.”
It wasn’t long after those junior high years that I started to have my own sexual awakening. As a straight-laced “good” kid, I was ashamed and kind of shocked at my first experiences with masturbation. It was a short leap from fantasies about girls to fantasies about guys. I knew it was wrong, but honestly I don’t think I really knew what it was yet.
It took almost a year for me to put words to the experience: I was having “gay fantasies.” I was a youth group kid, a follower of Jesus, a Christian. I was the kid who brought his pastor in for career day, who never saw a Christian T-shirt he didn’t like… and I was having gay fantasies. The language of “identity” hadn’t yet entered my vocabulary, but I began having an identity crisis, and I knew there was no one I could talk to about it.